Divorce: Breaking the Cycle of Hardness of Heart

Divorce is a painful and challenging reality for many couples, and it is something that affects
not only the individuals involved but also families, communities, and even society at large.
For believers, the issue of divorce takes on a deeper spiritual meaning. It challenges us to
look beyond societal norms and legal processes to understand God’s intention for marriage.
One of the key biblical passages that addresses divorce is found in Matthew 19:1-9, where
Jesus speaks directly about marriage, divorce, and the condition of the human heart.
In this passage, Jesus addresses the Pharisees’ question about divorce and makes a
profound statement: divorce was permitted due to the hardness of the heart, not because it was
ever God’s original design. Jesus’ words reveal that God’s intention for marriage was always
for it to be a lifelong covenant, one that reflects His love and commitment to us. In this
article, we will examine what it means to have a “hard heart” toward God’s instructions for
marriage, explore how this hardness manifests in relationships, and provide practical
insights for breaking the cycle of divorce by cultivating hearts softened toward God and each

Matthew 19:1-9: God’s Standard for Marriage

In Matthew 19:1-9, the Pharisees test Jesus with the question, “Is it lawful for a man to
divorce his wife for any reason at all?” Jesus responds by pointing them back to the creation
account in Genesis, emphasizing that from the beginning, God made male and female and
intended for them to become “one flesh.” He states, “What therefore God has joined
together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6, NASB).
The Pharisees, however, press further, asking why Moses allowed for divorce if God’s
intention was lifelong union. Jesus’ response is telling: “Because of your hardness of heart
Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way”
(Matthew 19:8, NASB). He makes it clear that divorce is a concession, not the ideal, and that
it is a reflection of humanity’s failure to live up to God’s perfect plan for marriage. The only
exception Jesus gives for divorce is in the case of “sexual immorality” (verse 9), showing the
seriousness of marital faithfulness.
The core issue Jesus points out here is the hardness of heart—a spiritual condition that
leads people to resist God’s commands and intentions. A hardened heart is unwilling to
forgive, reconcile, or submit to God’s design for marriage. To understand how to break the
cycle of divorce, we must first understand the nature of a hardened heart and how it hinders
a healthy, God-centered marriage.

What Does It Mean to Have a Hard Heart?

In biblical terms, a “hard heart” refers to a state of spiritual stubbornness, rebellion, or
insensitivity to God’s will. It’s when a person becomes resistant to God’s instructions,
correction, and guidance. This hardness of heart is often accompanied by pride,
unforgiveness, bitterness, and a lack of humility. In the context of marriage, hardness of
heart can manifest in various ways that ultimately lead to relational breakdowns.

1. Unwillingness to Forgive

One of the clearest signs of a hardened heart is an inability or unwillingness to forgive.
Forgiveness is at the heart of the Christian faith, and Jesus calls His followers to forgive
others just as God has forgiven them (Ephesians 4:32). However, when a spouse holds onto
past hurts, resentment builds up, creating an emotional and spiritual distance. This can lead
to the breakdown of trust and intimacy in the marriage. Without forgiveness, reconciliation
becomes nearly impossible, and the marriage becomes vulnerable to collapse.

2. Pride and Selfishness

Pride is another characteristic of a hardened heart. When pride enters a marriage, it creates
a barrier to open communication and compromise. Instead of seeking to serve and love one
another selflessly, pride causes individuals to focus on their own needs, desires, and rights.
This attitude can make it difficult to resolve conflicts or admit when one is wrong. Pride
fosters a “me-first” mentality, which is contrary to the biblical call for spouses to love
sacrificially, as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25)

3. Refusal to Reconcile

In marriage, there will inevitably be disagreements and conflicts, but a hardened heart
refuses to seek reconciliation. Instead of working through issues together, a spouse with a
hardened heart may become indifferent, emotionally distant, or even hostile. This refusal to
engage in reconciliation efforts erodes the foundation of the marriage, making it more
susceptible to divorce.

4. Lack of Humility

A hardened heart is marked by a lack of humility and a refusal to acknowledge one’s own
faults or mistakes. In any healthy relationship, both partners must be willing to admit their
shortcomings and seek forgiveness from one another. When humility is absent, it becomes
nearly impossible to restore the relationship after conflict. Without humility, the marriage
becomes a battleground of blame and accusations rather than a partnership built on grace
and mutual respect.

Breaking the Cycle of Divorce by Softening the Heart

To break the cycle of divorce, the focus must shift from external factors to the condition of
the heart. Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 19 points to the heart as the root of the issue. If we are
to prevent divorce and cultivate strong, God-honoring marriages, we must begin by
addressing the spiritual state of our hearts and learning to align them with God’s will.

1. Seek God First in Your Marriage

The foundation of any successful Christian marriage is a shared commitment to God. When
both spouses prioritize their relationship with God, they are more likely to cultivate soft
hearts toward one another. This means making time for prayer, studying Scripture together,
and seeking God’s guidance in all aspects of the marriage. By inviting God into the center of
the relationship, couples can build a marriage that is rooted in His love, grace, and truth.
In Matthew 6:33, Jesus instructs, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all
these things will be added to you.” When a marriage seeks God first, both partners grow in
spiritual maturity, and their hearts are softened toward each other. This doesn’t mean the
absence of challenges, but it does provide a strong foundation to weather difficulties.

2. Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is essential in breaking the cycle of divorce. Just as God has forgiven us for our
sins, we are called to forgive our spouses when they hurt or wrong us. Forgiveness doesn’t
mean excusing harmful behavior or ignoring problems, but it does involve releasing the
bitterness and resentment that can harden the heart.
Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be
put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving
one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” A marriage characterized by forgiveness is one
where healing and restoration can take place, even after deep wounds.

3. Cultivate Humility

Humility is the antidote to pride, and it is crucial for softening the heart in marriage. In
Philippians 2:3, Paul exhorts believers to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in
humility count others more significant than yourselves.” In a marriage, humility allows both
spouses to put each other’s needs before their own, admit when they are wrong, and work
together to resolve conflicts.
Humility also opens the door for God’s grace to operate in the marriage. James 4:6 reminds
us, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” By embracing humility, couples
can invite God’s transformative power into their relationship, softening hearts and creating an
environment of mutual love and respect.

4. Commit to Reconciliation

Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract. A covenantal view of marriage sees it as a
lifelong commitment that mirrors God’s unbreakable covenant with His people. When
challenges arise, couples must be committed to reconciliation, rather than viewing divorce as
an easy way out. This requires patience, perseverance, and sometimes professional
counseling or pastoral guidance.
Jesus calls His followers to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), and this is especially true within
marriage. Peacemaking involves active efforts to resolve conflicts, seek understanding, and
restore harmony in the relationship. Rather than allowing a hardened heart to lead to
separation, a commitment to reconciliation can prevent divorce and strengthen the marital
bond.

Conclusion: Embracing God’s Design for Marriage

Breaking the cycle of divorce requires more than addressing surface-level issues; it involves
a deep heart transformation. As Jesus taught in Matthew 19, divorce is often the result of
hardness of heart—a condition that resists God’s design for marriage. To break this cycle,
believers must seek to cultivate soft hearts that are aligned with God’s will.
By seeking God first, practicing forgiveness, cultivating humility, and committing to
reconciliation, couples can prevent the breakdown of their marriages and experience the
fullness of God’s intended blessings for their relationship. When both spouses are willing to
humble themselves before God and one another, the cycle of divorce can be broken, and
their marriage can become a reflection of God’s love, grace, and faithfulness.
In the end, marriage is a divine institution that mirrors God’s relationship with His people. By
embracing God’s design and allowing Him to soften our hearts, we can overcome the
challenges that lead to divorce and build marriages that honor Him and thrive according to
His purpose.